I came to Normandy with a very specific remit: to have some time in intense practice with my yidam, Vajrayogini; and to read through the first draft of my book explicating my ideas on what is a humanistic psychotherapy. In terms of my experience, I am readying myself to leave with more under my belt: the whole has definitely been greater than the sum of its parts. I feel refreshed, rejuvenated; confident about directions (not just pertaining to the dual projects here) and literally more grounded.
Each day has looked the same; and while that degree of structure can slip into Ground Hog Day (I often find myself counting “sleeps” I’ve had, and counting what is left in order to orientate myself in time) I definitely prefer the sense of containing it brings. Retreats with dual goals need such containment, or it’s easy to ruminate in practice or get sidetracked by revelations during writing. Four hours of practice each morning; seven hours of book read through after lunch; and at least one hour of moving taken from a menu of yoga, walking, running and ALWAYS dancing: Vajrayogini likes a bit of disco 🙂 Full days, but ones that stimulated the intellect, explored the mind, enriched the soul…I’ll let you determine which activity brought each!
The container principle benefits from ritual; and I would ritually stick to the timings each day, but in a way that I was also listening to my needs. No alarm clock, trusting I would wake when bodymind wanted to. Likewise, meals and snacks have been taken as and when the body called for them. However, mornings were practice; afternoons were writing at the fore; keeping each distinct. I’ve been off internet and no emails: the one exception was meeting my Vajra family on the US for some study time Friday morning: what a joy to try and speak after 6 days of silence and find merriment together with people who know what I am doing, withdrawing from my ordinary world to find the sacred that is always within it in, but obscured by routine and habit.
The whole greater than the sum; straddling across both of the practices, I find more of myself. Where I am in Normandy is not totally rural, but it’s quiet enough and remote enough to naturally slip into being embedded offered in the natural world. It’s been unseasonably warm, so I have been meditating with the French doors open and thus being accompanied by bird song and wind in trees. Nothing like the sense gates in harmony with what is being perceived to point out the nature of mind. I was treated by a double rainbow as I started practice one morning: the blessings of the lineage surely? Certainly a good training aid as I was tuning into the colours of blue, green, red, yellow associated with the wisdom energies at the fore of Vajrayogini practice. I’ve done intense practice of Vajrayogini before, and I am about to cross a year with her being an intimate companion in my life. This week I have definitely crossed a line with her; and we are dancing well together. There is nothing like frequent and lengthy practice sessions to find more in these practices. She has taught me how to relax this week: a relaxation that is necessary to descend, ground, open. It’s normally rare for me to sleep more than 7 hours in a night: here I have clocked up 9 most of the week. I have that kind of sleepy content expression that I know from retreat.
What was interesting in my deepening encounter with Vajrayogini was how she stirred up my creative juices! Without overtly thinking about the writing project, I found her putting a heat under me that bubbled up into many an “a-ha” moment. Not in ways that I got off the cushion because I felt the desire to write it down before I forgot…in fact on many days, it took my morning run / walk / yoga to crystallise something: I had to be embodied and moving for the bubbles to materialise, to matter.
The whole greater than the sum; and the sum I was working with this week was how to get the 204,000 words I came here with remotely close to a book that a publisher would say “yes please”. As I said in my last post, this was not a week of eating, but more a week of checking flow and for places that I can lose the odd 50,000 words (and even then, this will remain a mighty tome…or two?). I am leaving Normandy tomorrow with a twofold satisfaction;
- I am genuinely pleased with what I have written
- I am confident that I can make the changes I need to
Confidence is an odd experience for me; and again I am laying this down to my Dakini friend. This week I found a creative power and confidence. She is inviting me to walk the talk; dance the dance. While book one was an important opening gambit for me; this second book is more main stream; and I have to get over my tendency to prefer big fish / small pond. I backed out of upgrading that in my cycling career (as an athlete, and as a coach), always hiding my light under the biggest bushel I could! But, as it says in the Sadhana I am committing my life to, “like a fish from water”, Vajrayogini is encouraging me to a bigger pond. This book is not just a summary of humanistic psychotherapy, it is a proposal: and I am needing to tap into a great deal of courage to know it’s okay for me to do so. Essentially, to own my authority and find my voice: to become an elder, quite odd to say just 2 months shy of my 53rd birthday.
As well as twofold satisfaction in my suitcase, I am leaving with a task list and timeline. Such is the energy and uplift gained here, the prospect is incredibly exciting. One of the outcomes of this week was to realise a way to bring alive the content (and the proposal element) with a quite dramatic re-ordering of the content. With the first book there was a last minute shift in chapter order; but this time around there is a little destruction preceding creation!
I’m beginning to think my wife won’t recognise me when I walk through the door!
IF everything goes to plan, I hope to submit the final form by September end; in time to start the academic year with this project pocketed. It is a planned schedule that hits the right note between the dialectic of both progression and easeful. And I will, dear reader, undoubtedly share updates and ideas along the way.
Having packed up my shrine when I finished my final practice session this morning, the same ritualised ending for my writing time now: a box for my iMac awaits, as does a nice glass of wine as the sun sets over this idyllic and beloved space. A bientot.
